My Fucking Feelings 7/26/’17
I haven’t written one of these in a while. Feel like I need to. For me.
I don’t know where to start. I guess I’ll start with connection.
We are born connected. We feel whole. The second our umbilical cord is cut, we feel alone. Incomplete. From here on out, we crave connection.
From our mother. Father. Family. Friends. Lovers. The world. But all the shit we’ve been through, how we are, and everything that is life becomes a giant crowbar that prevents us from healthy connections. Instead, we create unhealthy or dishonest “connections” that can drown us. We drift. We isolate. We cope with our vices. Until we start to disconnect with ourselves. Now we are suffering.
We must seek healthy connections because that’s what re-connects us with us. How do we know if a connection is healthy? Let’s not use the word healthy. I feel like it’s overused and doesn’t mean anything anymore. Let’s use the word honest. Are the connections and experiences you are creating honest? If they are not, no matter how much something makes sense or appears good, they will not contribute to who you’re supposed to be and where you’re supposed to go. It’s not just about feeling good. Feeling good doesn’t always equal honest. It’s usually things that don’t feel good that end up being our best prescription. And we usually don’t know until later, which makes growing up so fucking hard.
Then ultimately these honest connections create something that is greater than us, a relationship, movement, a belief. And that’s when we feel whole again. Complete.
It’s weird to call it that because what I do no longer feels like work. I’m not saying it’s easy. There is work involved. I do put in hours every day punching keys, making videos, answer emails, and doing sessions. But it’s gotten to the point where it’s just my life. What I do has become a lifestyle. Coaching. Writing. Vlogging. Teaching. This is my life. And because it feels honest, I have a strong connection with it. Because it connects others and becomes bigger than me. This “work” connection has never been stronger in my life.
This weekend was an example of that. Our company, SHFT, had a retreat called Ignite for our Catalyst Life coaches and a wellness pop up the next day for the public called Awake. Witnessing the power of the authentic connections people in our community and intensive have made on their journey was truly a spiritual experience. It cemented for me that my “work” is what I’m supposed to do be doing. I will follow this path until I die. No question. Yes, even if I win the Lottery ← such a silly question everyone asks. I feel like I’ve already won.
I’ve been feeling really disconnected with my family, especially my brother and his family. Due to schedules and distance, I rarely see them. Of course, that is a total excuse because if something is important enough, schedules and distance don’t matter. I’m an uncle but I don’t feel like one because I don’t spend enough time with my niece and nephew for me to hear the word “uncle” before John. And if a title still sounds strange or foreign to you, like boyfriend, husband, CEO, then it’s either new or you haven’t put the time in to become that title. In my case, although I’ve technically been an uncle for over a decade, I haven’t earned that title and it makes me feel shitty. Blood isn’t enough. Titles require invested time.
Fuck. Relationships. Not fuck relationships. I’m all for relationships. Fuck. Period. Relationships, as in I have no idea. I used to think that the more relationships you have, the more you learn about what you want, don’t want, what works, doesn’t work, who you are, etc. so that your future relationships only get better and better. I think this is a good theory and mindset because it injects hope. But as of late, I don’t necessarily believe it to be true. Of course we learn from every expired relationship and know more about what we want and what works for us. But when we meet someome new, we always start with a blank canvas. Then as we paint, lines become blurry due to all the “baggage” we bring and where we’re at in our lives. Then throw in fear, shoulds, and pressures. And suddenly, the beautiful painting you see in your head and know you can create has turned into something very abstract that is not art.
One thing I know about life is it’s fueled with irony. And a therapist who writes about love and relationships and helps others with love and relationships, but never finds it for himself is pretty ironic wouldn’t you say? Maybe the universe knows that if I find “the one”, I will no longer write about it because the search would be over. And without the search, there is no more learning. Nah, that’s bullshit because we all know that once you do find someone you want to invest in, the work is just beginning and as long as there is work, there are words.
In the cave man days, we did life in tribes. We hunted, ate, and danced together, from morning to night, from birth to death. Then the modern man created something called being an adult. This means you must do shit alone and pick up your tribe along the way. This means your work, partner, and family come before your tribe.
Since my work doesn’t feel like work and I don’t have a family yet, my tribe is pretty front loaded which has made my connection to friends really solid. When I was married, I had very little friends. Today, I have a great tribe and I value the people in it tremendously. I feel a strong connection there.
My connection with my body is off and on. Right now I think it’s off. I’m not the athlete I used to be. I have less abs and every thing I eat I see around my waist almost instantly. I take my shirt off because I hate the constriction of a shirt while working out but then see my sweaty bloated self in someone’s Instagram story and message them “the camera adds twenty pounds, right?” To which they respond, “sure”. I guess my point is I want to be able to workout without my shirt off again and feel good about it.
I think our relationship / connection with our bodies is a life long process. It takes acceptance, love, and many gym memberships. I am learnning to accept, grow, and love my body again. Because that’s where everything starts. But I’m itching to challenge it more. And I think the challenge is where reconnection lives.
Those are my fucking feelings and I will try to live an honest life, always standing on my truth, knowing there will be push back, resistance, from others as well as myself, knowing that I will hurt people, including me. But I will live this way because it’s the only way to live. Because everything else is disconnection → suffering. Because I’ve tried it the other way and it turns you invisible. Because there I’ve swam too far to turn back.
What the hell does that mean?
Right after I hit publish on this, I will get on my motorcycle (tanning / meditation machine) and ride down to Santa Monica for a SHFT branding meeting while I practice gratitude and patience. I will work on the first chapter of my next book. I will throw love at who I recently dated for a month and hope she is doing okay and living her truth. I will stop by Starbucks and have the courage to say my name is JK to the barista without feeling stupid. I will text my brother to see when “Uncle John” can visit. I will work on eating colors. I will use sunblock. I will try to do something that challenges my body. I will have some good conversations with friends. I will fight my ego. I will do my best to be in an attracting instead of chasing state, knowing that who or what I attract is what I need, not necessarily what I want. And accept that fully. And most likely, I will rub one out.
I will do my best to connect.
Note: There’s something extremely therapeutic about writing your thoughts and feelings down. Many believe you organize your thoughts by thinking. Thinking only creates spin. You organize your thoughts by writing them down. The process of journaling allows you to see things you wouldn’t be able to see if you just think about them.