Blood, sweat, and “winemaker’s tears” — aka cheap red wine. All things that, the second they spill or soak through your favorite textiles, immediately make you want to burn the whole damn thing rather than find the end of the internet hunting for the perfect stain removal trick. Never fear, this “new product” from OxiClean has you covered.
Maybe you’ve heard mom or grandma chant “Don’t throw it out, dye it out!”, but you’d rather cut it out than deal with it, period. Well, The Onion heard you loud and clear, with this “new product” from OxiClean — OxiCut, brand-new stain-removing shears that “offer a convenient, fast-acting, chemical-free way to get the stubbornest of stains out of your clothing.”
Chocolate, grease, coffee, some unknown substance that appeared after actually getting a seat on the subway for once on your commute? No problem! The OxiCut scissors are “small enough to fit in your pocket or handbag, making it perfect for on-the-go cleanups before a big date or interview… With just a few quick snips, every trace of those stains is gone forever.”
But, you’re now asking, how am I supposed to go to work or that big event with a huge gaping hole in my sweater/jeans/skirt? No problem! Just make a few more holes and claim that you’re embracing one of the following style trends: cut out clothing; fashionably tattered; or derelicte. (Only one of those is from Zoolander.)
Or you could just follow a few of these stain removing tips:
…Or just check our ultimate stain removal guide.