Satisfying and Sexless Relationships

When I was newly separated from my husband in my mid 30’s I was rather at a loss for a male escort for the many social occasions that seemed to require one. I invited a work colleague of mine to something, although I don’t remember the occasion, and I had a great time – much better than I had been having with my former husband. My colleague invited me to something soon after, and in short order we became an item….of sorts.

He was a gay man and needed a female on his arm for some occasions as I, as a single woman, required a gentleman escort.  Remember, this was more than 40 years ago, and fortunately times have  changed.  At that time, though, we each suited the other’s needs perfectly.  He was handsome and excellent company and the issue of sex between just wasn’t one.  It was a very good relationship for several years.

Some years later when I was coupled and living with a man his old school friend came to visit, a man I found extremely attractive. Acting on that in any way would have been enormously unwise, so I/we didn’t.  I never mentioned my feeling for him to him and he never said anything to me, if indeed, he had any such feelings toward me.  We became good friends.  That little frisson of forbidden attraction on my part only made the friendship more enjoyable.

A dear friend of mine in her 80’s is coupled very happily with her longtime companion, a very sexy man who, for medical reasons, is unable to have sexual intercourse.  Meeting these two for the first time you know there is a great deal of “juice” between them.

That’s a term from my counseling practice.  Some people may be estranged, or quarreling, but you can see that they sit close together on the couch in my office, they touch each other, look at one another, look to the other for confirmation of something one of them said.  They are strongly connected emotionally, even physically, despite whatever brought them into my counseling office.  They have juice.

The friends in their 80’s many would see as just two old people, if they notice them at all, who are very sexy to each other; maybe to others as well who can see past the wrinkles to the twinkles in their eyes.

Perhaps what I’m talking about is not so much “sexless” relationships as chaste ones, an old-fashioned word not much in use these days meaning , among other things, “abstaining from sexual intercourse”.  The point I’m making is that there are warm, satisfying relationships available between two people in which no overt sex is happening but something hot and juicy does  hold them together. 

The take-away for you perhaps is: Don’t exclude someone from coming into your intimate circle because they’re not your type or you see no possibilities.  I wouldn’t have given up on any of the above relationships that obviously brought the participants pleasure.

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